The Wrong E-mail


A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Bill Gates Died

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royce's."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows till this date," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once.

Great writer

Great Writer "There was once a young man, in his youth, his desire was to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages..........

Bill Gates Chair

Bill Gates died in an accident involving a misguided pie which was thrown at him by an angry Macintosh protester. Because of his achievements in life, it was decided that he should go to heaven.

God Personally showed Bill around heaven, displaying the Waterfalls, Great Forests, Lagoon's and Wet-T-shirt contests that are held regularly. Bill was impressed by all of them and kept nodding his head in approval, which pleased God because he enjoyed pleasing others.

When they finished the tour, God took Bill into his Throne room and sat down on the blindingly shiny throne. God asked Bill how he had enjoyed heaven so far, and Bill replied;

"It's been great, but you're in my chair."

ill Gates dies in a car crash and ends up in front in front of StPeter@heaven.com.
St. Peter says I don’t know what to do with you. You’ve created many jobs and helped a lot of people in the new electronic age, but you’ve also been a royal pain to some of our big contributers. I’ll tell you what, I’ll let you have a look at heaven and hell and choose for yourself.
So St. Peter shows Bill heaven, with the clouds and Angels and harps, and Bill thinks to himself: “OK, as far as it goes.”
Then St. Peter shows Bill hell, with scantily clad bathing beauties on a tropical beach with palm trees and Bill thinks to himself: “This is a no-brainer!”
So Bill says to St. Peter: “I’ll take hell!”
Two weeks later St. Peter thinks to himself: “I wonder how Bill is doing?”
So he drops by hell and finds Bill chained to a wall, consumed by flames and screaming in agony.
“Where are the bathing beauties, where’s the beach?” Cried Bill. “This isn’t what you showed me!”
“That”, said St. Pete, “was a demo.”

Yeah there are really very funny.....



web design chennai

i like this one...

KUDOS!

From the alphabetical order A B C D E F G H........X Y Z.
Why " B" is feeling cold?
.




















Coz its between A C





John
Don Joao Resort

Oh my Google that is hilarious!!

Funny enough, I like it. Thanks for your sharing.

hahaha very nice

hahaha that was great ..

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Well, you just have discribed the human kind.
Funny, but terribly true!

lol , u r right frederiek, ok let me share good jokes for u ..

son to dad "I've got a part in the school play, as a man who's been married for 23 years."




dad: "nevermind son, perhaps next time you'll get a speaking part"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.

well thats the funniest one .....


Stepping on ducks

Three guys, Mark, Pete, and Steve died and found themselves at the gates of paradise. The angel said, "I'll let you three inside, but on one condition. You must never step on a duck."


The three guys accepted this strange condition and went on in.


While walking on a grassy field, mark took time to look at the blue cloudless sky. Suddenly, "Quack!"


The angel appeared beside him. "You have stepped on a duck. You are liable for exile, but if you still desire to remain, you will have to marry the ugliest woman alive."


Mark had no choice but to agree.


Pete was walking in the middle of paradise. While he stopped to smell the flowers, "Quack Quack!"


The angel promptly appeared and said the same thing, and soon Mark and Pete were talking to each other about how unfortunate they were to have married the two ugliest women alive.


One day the two downcast friends met Steve, who was obviously very happy and had no idea what had happened to the other two. Mark and Pete were so surprised when they saw who Steve was with, a gorgeous supermodel. He introduced her as his wife. They asked him how he came to be so lucky. To which Steve replied: "Well, she wouldn't tell me anything. She just said that she stepped on a duck."

the perfect son..
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Tony Blair-lesson in semantics

Prime Minister, Tony Blair, was visiting a school when a teacher asked him if he would care to lead the class discussion on semantics. Tony smugly chose the word ‘tragedy' and asked the class to give an example of its use.

One boy stood up and said, “If my girlfriend, Suzie, who lives on a farm, was playing near the cesspit, and fell in, and her dad stuck a fork through her chest and killed her, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Blair, “that would be an accident.”

Keli, raised her hand and suggested: “If there was a nuclear war that killed all the blokes but left the girls alive and last bloke on earth lost his testicles in a shaving accident, that would be like, a REAL tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not.” Said slimey Tone. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room in vain for an upraised hand. “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a correct definition of the word 'tragedy?”

Finally,the teacher said: “If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, the cabinet and Mr Bush was struck by a ‘friendly’ missile fired by an American helicopter gunship and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Blair. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well...” replied the teacher, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!."

A frog is sitting by the side of the River Jordan when a scorpion approaches.

'Hello,' says the scorpion. 'Would you do me a favour and carry me across the river on your back please?'

'No way,' says the frog. 'You're just going to sting me.'

'Why would I do that? I would drown if I killed you,' says the scorpion.

The frog thinks about it for a minute and then shrugs and allows the scorpion to jump on his back as he starts to swim across the river.

About half way to the other side, though, the scorpion stings the frog.

'Are you crazy? What did you do that for?' says the frog. 'Now I will die and you will drown.'

The scorpion smiles. 'Welcome to the Middle East, *beep*!'

Play-time has just finished at the George Bush Primary School and Nursey and the teacher asks Sarah, one of the children in her class: "What did you do during the break?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

Sarah does and gets a bar of chocolate. The teacher asks Morris, another of her children, what he did during the break.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

Morris does and gets a bar of chocolate. The teacher then asks Mohammed what he did during the break.

Mohammed says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris in the sand box, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. I tell you what - if you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

A man meets a friend who has only one arm.
Where are you going?' he asks.
'I'm going to change a lightbulb.'
'Won't that be difficult with just one arm?'
'I don't think so. I've got the receipt.'

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"

The boy replied, "I am making George Bush with this manure, Mister."

Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"

The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."

"But why not?" asked the man.

The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough here to make Bill Clinton."

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to "save" America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we'll think about it."

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night's work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here's the deal. I'm giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won't pass it."

"But what if I get a 12?" Bill asks. And Bob replies, "You get to roll again".

In an interview with David Letterman, Carter passed along an anecdote of a translation problem in Japan. Carter was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke.

He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered.

After the speech, Carter wanted to meet the translator to ask him how he told the joke. Perhaps there is better way to tell the joke?

When Carter asked how the joke had been told in Japanese, the translator responded, "I told them, 'President Carter has told a very funny joke. Please laugh now.'"

Rules Of Washington

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a *beep* than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

There once was a girl from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When she was asked why
This was her reply:
It's because I always stuff as many words into the last line as I can.



There once was a man from Australia
Whose limericks ended in failure
They'd turn out just fine
Until the fourth line.



There once was a chap from West Bend
Whose limericks tended to end
Suddenly.



I know a young man from Peru
Whose limericks end with line two.



There once was a man from Verdun.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Nice Jokes - lol lol

"Baljamin" read what this man said ....

o Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

o It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

o A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.

o Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

o Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.

The Puerto Rican asks, “Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!”

The Russian replies, “Theres plenty of that where I come from.”

The Puerto Rican doesnt want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The American exclaims, “Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!”

The Puerto Rican replies, “Theres plenty of that where I come from.”

Now, the American doesnt want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he cant find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.

The Russian exclaims, “What the hell did you do that for?”

The American replies, “Theres plenty of that where I come from.”

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing.


The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

An elderly couple was in church. The man had worked late that night, so he fell asleep in church. The preacher asked:

"Who is the son of God?"

The woman poked her husband with a pin. He jumped out of his seat and yelled: "

JESUS!!!"

Then he fell back asleep. Later the preacher asked:

"Who is our heavenly father?"

She stuck him with a pin again and he yelled:

"GOD!!!"

And, yet again, he fell back asleep. At the end of the sermon, the preacher asked:

"What did the angels say to Mary?"

She poked him with the pin again, then he said:

"I swear to God, if you poke me with that pin one more time, I'll shove it up your a**!!!!"

I like this one

> *A business man got on an elevator. *
> *When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
> with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
> He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
> She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
> He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
> smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
> The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
> The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
> 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
> The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
> --duuhhh

And F-Y-I I posted this on a Thursday lol

Then why does my calendar say Tuesday?

So a vulture walks into a plane carrying two dead carcasses when the pilot says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."